Base The 'Buffett Rule' On Jimmy, Not Warren

March 22, 2012 - 11:59 AM

If the federal government can force insurers to provide free sterilizations and contraceptives for college co-eds that want them – why can’t government require college campuses to provide free booze and designated drivers for all college students who want them?

After all, college kids are going to drink anyway – right? And isn’t it a question of college students’ health and safety?

If the colleges provide the booze, they can regulate who, how and what gets drunk -- no bad booze, no flaming 151 rum drinks, no alcohol poisoning.

What’s not to like?

Think of how much it costs today’s college student to get drunk – it costs a fortune.

According to a Web site called “The Kegerator,” the average keg of beer costs $85.00 and serves 165 glasses of beers, while the average 6-pack costs $6.50.

Now, I have no idea about the product that this Web site is offering, but the math sounds about right.

It’s pretty expensive to be a college student trying to party in today’s economy.

(Oh yeah, there are also those pesky social costs in terms of addiction and health care issues and possible jail time for doing stupid things while under the influence of alcohol,  but I digress)

So here’s my Jimmy Buffett-esque proposal: Don’t let anyone take away a college student’s right of access to party. Doesn’t everyone have the right to be a parrothead?

We need a federal mandate! We need to require college campuses to provide free booze. Free designated drivers. Damage deposits for keggers. (And on occasion, bail money.)

Of course, since it would be a federal mandate, under HHS, we would have to require Baptist universities and Catholic colleges and even Buddhist schools like Naropa University to provide this “prescriptive service.” But we would also have to require businesses which employ college students to cover the costs, as well. And, well, parents would have to kick in, too.

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OK, so this is a tongue-in-cheek humor piece and I’m just being facetious here.

No, I don’t really want Baptist universities or Jewish yeshivas or Catholic colleges or even Maharishi International University to be required to provide free designated drivers, or free mixers, or free kegs of beer – or even free Jack Daniels, for that matter.

That would be absolutely appalling. In fact, it would be an unspeakably awful, very, very bad idea on so many levels.

But then isn’t it even more appalling that the Obama administration RIGHT NOW is mandating through the Health and Human Services Department that insurance plans offer “free coverage” for sterilizations for “women of reproductive capacity?” Something that is happening in REALITY.

Yes, I think it is.

And I’m not just being a parrothead in saying that.

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