This is a call to arms! President Obama needs our help in starting World War III. It's not as bad as it looks. Unlike Republicans, who only wage wars on one percent of the earth's landmass, this will be a global conflict. It's fostering international cooperation.
That's why The Americans for Whatever Barack Obama Wants; Did You Know He's Friends With Jay-Z? organization has launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise $1.6 trillion dollars for this humanitarian effort.
What will the $1.6 trillion be spent on? Well, millions of troops for starters. We'll also be funding thousands of "organic, grass-fed" bombs, which need tender loving care - and how can we win this utterly apocalyptic contest without hybrid tanks?
Make no mistake; this will be the most social media- focused war in our history. It'll be covered on Twitter, Facebook, Vine, and Pinterest. So, please be generous. This is going to a good cause. Thank you for giving, and enjoy the show.