Beer Drinkers Must Unite Against the Pleasure Bigots!

By Jen Kuznicki | April 15, 2014 | 5:22pm EDT

Nature is beautiful, and beer makes us happy.

The next time you order a draft beer, just remember, it couldn't happen without CO2.  And since I have now learned that because I believe marriage is between one man and one woman, I'm a bigot and a hater, I just figured that must be how we all are supposed to communicate nowadays. So, if you think CO2 should be classified as a pollutant, you hate beer, and since beer makes us happy, you must be a pleasure bigot.

Obama Drinks Beer

So, to all you pleasure bigots out there, listen up.  It's my right as an American to consume copious amounts of beer in order to be able to deal with all you crazy leftists, and if you try to deny me my CO2, I'm going to the civil rights commission.

To the great beer-loving public, it is no secret that beer contains the key to the survival of the species.  The debate is over.  Therefore, we must stop any and all actions by the EPA and the IPCC having to do with the curbing of CO2 gas, or the human being is on its way to extinction.  The urgency cannot be overstated.

To suggest that levels of CO2 should be lowered, is like banning yeast!  How will the hops and barley grow if they don't have CO2 to metabolize during photosynthesis?  And for the love of all things holy, how in the world do you pour a beer out of a tap without a tank of wonderful, life-giving, CO2?  Without CO2, there is no foam, talk about your dark days.  If you ban the yeast and the plant matter, all you have is water, and that, my friends, is a moral repugnance.  If the pleasure bigots want to go to the pub and order plain water, that's their problem.  Give us beer!

These pleasure bigots that order us to conform to a new world of no beer are our mortal enemies.  We must save the human!

Write to your congressman, there is little time, for pleasure bigots are trying to take away your right to party.

"He was a wise man who invented beer."  Plato

"Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world."  Jack Nicholson

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."  Benjamin Franklin

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."  Abraham Lincoln

The future of mankind rests upon your shoulders, beer drinkers.  It's all up to you.

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